WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO LOS ANGELES?
INSECURITY was the first thing that brought me to Los Angeles. I felt like I needed to prove myself to those who did not see my value or my beauty. I felt the need to make my ‘beauty’ known to the world by becoming a famous fashion model. Of course, I would never have admitted I was trying to prove my worth by obtaining a successful career in modeling. However, after much self-reflection I can now see it was my motive for becoming a model. I wanted to prove to myself and those in my past that I was beautiful.
HOW DID YOUR INSECURITIES AFFECT YOUR CAREER IN MODELING?
Modeling became an ‘idol’ in my life. I wanted it so bad! When you want something that bad you go after in hard core. During this time, my modeling agent told me that my hips were 2 inches larger than the average size model, and I was 2 inches shorter than most successful fashion models. Another agent told me that if I fixed my nose I would have a successful career. I thought I had to adjust myself to meet their expectations if I wanted to get ahead, but instead I put myself in a trap. I never felt good enough! At the time, I was also living with another model who did fit the standards which really put the pressure on me. I felt the need to adjust myself until I met the industry standards.
HOW DID YOU CONFRONT YOUR INSECURITIES?
Over time, I began to realize that the people getting casted for the jobs I wanted were people who were confident in themselves. They loved who they were and they knew that they were beautiful. It is the people who know they have been created perfectly and do not believe they need to make “adjustments” in order to embrace their unique ‘beauty’.
I had to flush out all that my mind had been idolizing. To do this I had to recognize the problem. I was struggling; and I had been in denial for a while. I got lost trying to prove that I could obtain this career and that this career would validate who I was. My whole life revolved around the idea of becoming a successful model. I had to recognize I have so much more to offer. My life did not have to revolve around this one thing. In fact, this obsession was actually holding me back from my true purpose in life.
I chose to confront the problem. I recognized the root of my issue. When I was younger, I felt like I was not good enough because people did not see my beauty. If others did not see me as beautiful then I needed to reverse this by proving that I was. I saw this was not a healthy way of thinking; so I began to love myself and tell myself I am beautiful even when I did not feel it. I told myself I am accepted, and I am loved even when I was questioning whether I really was. I told myself I am made perfect, and I chose to grab hold of this truth and run with it. I began to see a difference in my perspective of self. I realized I no longer craved the affirmation that came from others; instead, when I received compliments it just reminded me of what I already knew. I now know that I am beautiful. I now have the peace of knowing that I have been made perfectly.
Recently, I had to update my resume for my agent. When measuring my waist, I noticed that I had grown an inch in my hips. Before, I would have thought I needed to make an adjustment, but now I just don’t try to “fix” myself. I trust that if I am meant to get the job then I will get the job just the way I am. Old Petra would believe I could never be a model with hips this size, but now I have reached the point of finding freedom in being me.
DID YOUR INSECURITIES COMPLETELY GO AWAY?
I am constantly tempted to go back to my old way of thinking. Instead of allowing myself to go there, I take a step back and remind myself modeling is what I do; it does not define me and it does not define my identity. Modeling is a job, and it should never be associated with my beauty. When I first notice an insecurity resurfacing I catch it, label it, and then speak truth to it. I counter act it by saying I am beautiful, I am accepted, I am loved, and I am made perfectly. Nothing can stop me from achieving my goals and knowing my true identity. I am content with what I have and who I am. I now know beauty is skin deep. It is not what you can pull from the outside to validate yourself on the inside. Meaning outward beauty will never be enough to get you noticed or valued; however, the confidence of knowing your value will make your beauty on the outside impossible to ignore. To read more about my story subscribe to my blog! www.thesecretsnowyours.com!